Dear Baby | But I Had Plans

As I prepare to welcome our rainbow angel, I felt overwhelmingly called to share a letter I wrote to the baby we lost after we miscarried last year, early into our second trimester.

A part of sharing this is for me, as a means of healing before I give birth. and another part is for you. For every mother who has suffered the same kind of pain — you are never alone in your heartache, and you are never alone in your joy that will someday follow.

Dear baby, but I had plans.

I had plans for you, for us, for our family.

I reorganized my closet by pieces I could still wear. I emptied our guest room that would become your nursery. I ate clean foods. Used organic everything. Manifested our journey together and dreamed of you in your bassinet.

But sometimes, no matter how well we take care of ourselves or how powerfully we speak our desires into the universe, plans still change.

I hated god, and I praised god, all within the same breath.

I’d spend hours looking for a sign in the sky that reminded me of you. But I saw nothing. Nothing to heal my broken heart, or my aching body.

I wanted my plans back. A growing belly, a hospital bag, a birth plan, a nursery board on pinterest. I wanted a list of names, mom jeans, a babymoon, and belly kicks. I wanted you, all of you, and instead I felt empty.

And now… now your light surrounds me everywhere. I had to open my soul to yours, to feel your heartbeat from another place.

I see you in every sunrise. In every ray of light that fills our home. In every rainbow that stretches its colors across grey skies. I feel you in every warm breeze. In every touch of the ocean. And now, within me, as I grow your brother or sister. Your souls are connected, this I know is true.

Baby, I had plans. but that’s just it — they were mine… and plans never belong to me, anyways. Together, through mourning and celebrating, and crying and forgiving, those plans become what they always were: our LIFE… unfolding in unexpected, yet intentional ways. Sometimes hard, sometimes beautiful.

Thank you for being both.

Dear baby, I cannot wait to hold a part of you in the coming days, as I welcome your soulmate into this world.