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Someone, Get Me a Carb

It’s been said crazy diets are for crazy people. Right now, I’m one of those crazy people.

For the past week, I’ve been doing a cleanse of sorts. Not the cool, celebrity-style juice cleanse. That I could live with, because at least I’d be on-trend. Instead, I’m on a doctor-ordered diet to kick a stomach infection that apparently thrives on sugar. I love sugar.

I’ve convinced myself carrots taste like cupcakes and water is the new wine.

This two-week “cleanse” still allows me to eat all kinds of food, sans anything worth craving. As you can imagine, carbs and candy are not on the approved list. Not to worry, though. I’ve convinced myself carrots taste like cupcakes and water is the new wine. I’m learning to enjoy ingredients like lentils and lemongrass, and to cook with kale and coconut milk. It feels like I’m channeling Gwyneth Paltrow’s healthy lifestyle, except I’m raging rather than glowing. Someone give me a burrito!

I don’t even like burritos in my normal, non-diet life. Yet, I find myself daydreaming of tortillas and taffy and Krispy Kreme donuts. My appreciation for Jennifer Aniston has skyrocketed. Wasn’t she the poster child for a no-carb diet at one point? She raged glowed too.

I’ve always considered myself a healthy eater. I exercise often, avoid all fast food restaurants and I actually enjoy quinoa. So, this diet didn’t frighten me at first. Then, I entered day three. And by day three, even my husband was scared. I just wanted a carb. One carb, please.

At least I’m allowed to have an “unlimited” amount of strawberries. I eat three cartons a day.

I usually like to end my posts on something inspirational, or wise or encouraging. Maybe I’ll have something for you at the end of it all. Some “awakening” I’ll feel after my last required protein shake, which I’ll have in 7 days, 6 hours, and 46 minutes from now. But who’s counting? ∗